Monday, July 31, 2006

We're not alone

A quick google search this evening taught me an important motivational lesson: we are not alone in this early run to the 2032 presidency. Several others (including one, curiously, from my hometown of Columbia, SC) have already laced up their boots for this race. One of the candidates, the ambitious 10-year-old Holly Togel of Denver, CO, promises to "paint the White House blue," "get all the money in the world," and buy her "grandma an airplane" so she can visit her often in the "Big Blue House." I'd like to believe that our platform is more sophisticated and far-reaching than Holly's, though she does have a certain youthful charm. I mean, you have to high-five her for tackling hugely entrenched ideologies. Make the White House blue? That's mind-blowing, original, simple, unexpected, unprecedented. I'm not easily intimated or cowed by worthy adversaries. I do, however, have to admit feeling a pinch from my future face-off with Holly. Ooh, but get your gloves, Holly. I'm here for all 12 rounds.

Message: we're the late-comers. We can't surprise with novelty. Our only option is to amaze with sheer honest brilliance ... or to hope that our future opponents will not evolve beyond Miss Togel's brand of self-indulgent, greedy leadership. We'll see who gets to live in that Big Blue House, dammit!

(At least among these frontrunners for 2032, I'm a lot longer in the tooth)

'Special' Election

At Candidate Karl's request, I did some in-depth research into the possibility of a warm up run for POTUS ten years earlier. As it would be mid-term, we would have to amend the constitution for a special election. While the publicity (petition drives and what-not) might do the 2032 campaign some good, it might not be the message we want to send:
"Isn't that the guy that tried to run in 2022?"
"Why would someone try and do that?"
"I don't know, but when he was rubbing my belly, the baby responded."
As these are pretty difficult questions to answer in a ten second soundbite (?), I suggest the better part of valor would be to run as planned.

As an addendum, I know I haven't talked to the candidate in close to eight years, and I understand I am on the short bus of this campaign trail. Not being privy to strategic planning sessions, I risk redundancy in making three suggestions:
  1. Even though Noah's crass commercialism makes it obvious he isn't a serious candidate, it might be prudent to start a whisper campaign now that he is an inveterate bed-wetter.
  2. Make campaign donations payable through paypal. You could hold regular 'fundraisers' at the Tam with the proceeds.
  3. The bumper sticker:
Vote fitty, Vote Challenger
It could be Wirsing 2032

... would allow an ad. campaign with no reprinting costs in every pres. election until 2032. They might get a little dirty, but hey, Karl's a man of the people, I mean Karl is the people, I mean... Ah, hell.

H

Sunday, July 30, 2006

All Hail 50!

According to my new supercomputer, which has the power to calculate such things, Karl Wirsing will serve as the 50th President of the United States.

Of course, I'm assuming that each president from now until 2028 serves only one term. On the other hand, if all the subsequent presidents are re-elected for a second term, then Karl Wirsing will be the 47th president.

But I like the sound of 50. Christ Almighty, that is a beautiful number. Karl Wirsing. The 50th President of the United States!

Or the 49th. Or the 48th. Or the 47th...

That's why I'm voting for the challenger in every presidential election from now on. I want to see a big 50 right next to our boy's name.

Finally

Hey everybody, the e-coffee is here. I asked my intern to bring it.














Wait, what are you doing? No! I was supposed to give some of that e-coffee to Karl Wirsing, the future president of the United States!




















Bad intern. Monica Lewinsky, you suck!

Friday, July 28, 2006

I'm on board.. but not all the way.

I'm just not sure what type of campaign you are running here Karl. You have insiders bad mouthing Hootie? I'm concerned about just how closely you are monitoring your staff. And I plan to tell hootie when I see him in three weeks. Seriously. Both the part abut seeing him and telling him.

Barring any further mutiny, you'll see my bumper adorned with "It Could Be Wirsing 2032"

Sinead it ain't so


Right now I'm listening to Sinead O'Connor's "Nothing Compares 2 U." Yes, I still like this song. I still like a lot of crap music. A few weeks ago, in fact, at an awesome Hootie show down on Boston's south shore, I saw my new favorite t-shit - "Yeah, I still like Hootie, bitch." Longetivity and loyalty are beautiful things.

So decades from now, well after I've served two masterful terms in the White House (or three or four, if we can change that damned rule), and long after my scandals have all been written about ad nauseum, I hope there remain a few of you out there who will bristle at poor mention of my name and say, "Yeah, I still like Wirsing, bitch."

Thursday, July 27, 2006

I'm telling you, the answer is gator

Your newest member, here to make you proud.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Regional Advertising

There has been a lot of attention given to how we are going to approach different generations during Karl's march to the White House, but after some heated debate last night I believe that we should also turn to how we are going to attract voters in different regions to the daylight glow that is Karl.

I do not believe that a blanket ad campaign would be an effective strategy. We need to specify for each location. I'm throwing this out to the whole group, asking for some suggestions.

Some early thoughts: A cow with a bell around its neck and a placard across its flank that says "A Vote for Karl is a Vote for Change but not too much change, nothing scary like that random hitchhiker who shows up for a night and puts his seed in your blonde, nubile daughter's belly. Nothing like that. Positive Change" will be led across Western Kansas, Nebraska, Iowa, and the Dakotas. We don't want to scare these people off with any crazy electrical voodoo advertising.

In the Deep South, I considered tatooing an ad on every first cousin's backside but I haven't been able to square the logistics on this one. And I'm not sure what the tatoo would say, maybe just "Karl" with a picture of our future leader winking and shooting them the gun.

Monday, July 24, 2006

The Now


Between Tony's fascination with the elderly and Brian's with the unborn, we still face a vast untapped territory of the now - Generation K, as Brian so aptly knighted us. For visual sake, let's imagine ourselves for a moment as prairie dogs. The following picture might sum up our current position: looking forward and behind, carefully surveying the threatening past and present. But where's the dog looking directly at us? Where's the the pup digging in and setting up shop in our lives today?

I'm not sure in what hole he's hiding, but I can sure tell you what he'd look like. He'd be robust, hungry for life, large and in charge. He'd spread himself out like a picnic blanket over the issues; he'd cover them all and eat 'em up, then wag his cute little tail with great satisfaction. In the prairie dog world, he'd be this bad-ass -



So I say to all of Generation K, can you stare into these intense, beady eyes and not feel inspired? Can you take measure in his girth and not feel prepared to accept the challenge of this lifelong campaign?

Get ready everybody. It could be Wirsing.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Generation K

What about all those voters who aren't born yet? After we rub their mother's pregnant bellies, the future ballot-casters of Generation K (for Karl) will need to be mollycoddled, patronized, and confined to grotesque, liquid-filled chambers where their souls will be harnessed by a series of funky black tubes to perpetuate the Karl Wirsing political machine. But who are they?

We'll probably look down on the next generation of voters: those disrespectin' kids with their "moon landings" and their "rocket fuel" beverages and their "casual circles of premeditated sex." To the best of my knowledge, they will look like the kid from "Flight of the Navigator," except the aliens on their shoulders will be enormous, octopus-headed beasts with bloodshot eyes and a particular distaste for liberty.

Karl and Mike, I beseech you, as you plan out the most crucial election campaign of the century, do not forget to subjugate the young people. They will come into the Wirld with bright eyes and an enviable sort of innocence, convinced of their own potential to save humankind. But they won't know the difference between Karl Wirsing and the blackened stump of their hastily severed umbilical cords. Fortunately, we will have the element of surprise. It's never too early for 2032.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Your Brother's Keeper

I see that Aaron, Karl's brother has signed up, and we all welcome you Aaron. I just wanted to get an early feel for whether your going to be my Roger Clinton or my Billy Carter.

I will need to get a jump on damage control, start drafting releases and things. You know, the ususal: "Aaron Wirsing has nothing but respect for dog owners..." "Those were prescribed to Aaron by a licensed physician..." "Aaron was not aware that she was pregnant and had no intention whatsoever of etc etc..."


I would suggest Billy Carter. He got an ad for beer.

It Could Be Wirsing

Mike "Rhymes With Votes" Moats, Campaign Manager

Tangled Up In Old Folks

As usual, Karl is right. We need to swing away before it is too late.

This morning I was walking down the street, eating pita chips out of a bag of groceries I had just purchased, when up ahead I saw two elderly women pass one another on the sidewalk. I was a little ways away and could not see exactly how it happened, but as they passed their walkers became entangled and as they tried to pull away, moving with feeble steps and shuffles, they each began to lose their balance. With death-like grips on their walkers, they teetered and swayed backwards in a hesitant, slow-motion fall until they were on their backs beside one another. Their walkers lay on their chests.

It was one of the saddest things I have ever seen, and as I side-stepped them, laughing and spitting out pita chip crumbs, I thought of how unless we affect change now America might one day be like these two women. It might be hard to believe but we our already on that path. The signs of old age have started to appear. Our country is waking up a little sorer each morning, it fears change and people who are different, and keeps yelling for people to turn that racket down. It has gained weight around the middle and is constantly complaining about pain in its knees but refuses to see a doctor because it says that they're all a bunch of know-nothing quacks with fancy-schmancy degress and pockets full of antibiotics. At this rate, it won't be long until the ideas and dreams that were once the USA lay like a pile of tangled old folks, with walkers and dentures and canes strewn across the streets like extras in a Mel Gibson Movie.

It doesn't have to be this way, I thought. We can still pick this country up and make it run like a young man again. The way we are going to do it is with Karl. With this blog and his candidacy, Karl has given us a gift--a chance to provide our land with a rebirth, a renewal. We must face that it is up to us.

After going through this in my mind, I was inspired and thought about going back and helping the two old women up and showing them that there is still hope for this country and people who will take action and take charge, but I had already walked so far and I had yogurt in my bag that could have gone sour. You know how that is.

I'm not sure what happened to the two elderly women or their walkers, but later on I did hear coyotes.

Go us

Is this electoral ennui I feel setting in already? Have we, just days into this once illustrious campaign, lost our competitive will and ambition? All the talk, all the clatter, all the bustle, has it been nothing but a feeble gust of sweet-smelling wind? Am I doomed to go out like that coach from Varsity Blues?

Not this soldier.

We're still in the honeymoon of our run to the White House! We should still want to post two, three, even four times a day. So that's not the sun I see setting on us - no, that's a big, hot, flaming ball landing in your court. Swing away, team. Swing away.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Edible Complex

One of my spokesmen earlier today misquoted me a bit when he said I am pro all delicious sandwiches. Let us be perfectly clear here: with respect to the exotic foods market, I only approve of three-letter meats, like eel, yak and emu. I strongly frown on harvesting dolphin, shark, alligator and any other longer worded animal (with the possible exceptions of buffalo, unicorn and condor).

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

How about dolphins?

I used to ride them to school every morning, uphill both ways.


He talks to animals


I don't tell this to everyone, but I'm kind of a shark whisperer. In fact, if you name a critter, I've probably had a chat with it.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

From Headquarters

This is a bit of an inside message, but there is no better way of reaching out to everyone on Team Wirsing. In an effort to ensure the broadest possible exposure of our candidate, I am looking for volunteers to set up some more web outlets. I want us to have access points at the following locations:
  • facebook.com
  • myspace.com
  • livejournal.com
Other possibilities include places like meetup.com, and friendster, if that is still around. For some of these sites, we can register as a club or group. The primary function will be to attract interest and guide users to the blog.

Who's with me? Who's going to do it instead of me?

Other points:
  • Use the term 'Wirld' as much as possible, not limiting it to campaign materials. Incorporate it into your daily correspondence and professional memos. Spell it out when speaking aloud. A helpful hint is to tell children that 'w-o-r-l-d' is incorrect and that ours is the proper spelling. It is bound to be someday anyway.
  • Depending on intergalactic contact between now and 2032, we may need to switch to 'UniWirse'
  • Can anyone develop a technology to track each vote as we pick them up one by one? For instance adding Tony's two votes from earlier today? If the system is sound enough, we may be able to avoid formal elections altogether.
  • Thank you everyone for your posts. It is exciting to see so much enthusiasm.
It Could Be Wirsing

Mike, Campaign Manager

The Evolved Candidate

I spent some time at the Museum of Science today, promoting the campaign and fielding many questions, such as: Who the hell is Karl Wirsing? What are you talking about, boy? Get off that stuffed Moose. Are you looking down my wife's blouse? and What is Mr. Wirsing's stance on the teaching of Evolution in schools? To which I replied: The future president of the United States; I'm talking about Karl Wirsing; No, I don't want to; Yes, and I do not apologize for it; and Wirsing isn't pro or anti-evolution. He is evolution. He is the next step--the more than upright man, the super upright man, with such excellent posture that it looks as though he's bending backward, but Karl Wirsing never bends backward. He moves forward, and he's going to carry us with him.

I received a stun silence, a rash from the moose hair, a phone number from some guy's wife, and two promised votes. So we may add those to the tally.

One good turn deserves another

Last night, all the way from sunny San Francisco, Brian wrote in and offered our campaign a truly genius (and I don't believe I'm abusing the import of this word) suggestion with his "belly-rubbing" plan. I had given up most hope of reaching the unborn, but Brian imagined a way to circumvent the sensory-deprivation of a baby's host body - pat the belly. That's right, just rub it down, and in 18 years voting-age teens will pay back our favor with unqualified support. I happen to prefer this approach ever so slightly to another friend's recommendation that we compel all team members to get pregnant at the same time and rear intensely loyal voter-children. A bit invasive and cultish, I feared, if not strategically sound. So Brian, to thank you and encourage further explosions of show-stopping creativity, we invite you join us as a full-time contributor.

After all, a vote in the oven is worth two in the bush.

Monday, July 17, 2006

A little number-crunching

Today, Monday, is the first day of another week, one of some 1,352 we'll be facing over the next 26 years of this campaign. For those who find strength in numbers, 1,352 is a pretty big one, so the sheer enormity of this project ought to be an encouraging sight.

Let's calculate: right now (including the warmly welcomed addition of Katie the Pirate, our fist-pumping valve of energy) I count official Team Wirsing contributors at six, with another seven or eight waxing down their surfboards, and yet another 20 or so pledging their hearts rather than their words. I'm going to round this number to 36, very conservatively. Given that we have 227, 136 hours to win back this country for the people, our support base, even at this nascent juncture, can still generate a whopping 8,176,896 labor hours on the campaign trail. In just two hours the other day I nabbed at least 15 voters. If each of us collects 180 votes a day (I'm not including sleepy time, naturally), that's roughly 61,326,720 voters by the time of the election. Wow. Try losing with that kind of backing!

Is this fuzzy math? You bet it is. But these are big numbers, so crawl inside them, curl up and feel comfortable. We have plenty of time.

Can we make t-shirts?

While enjoying a few glasses of wine on the porch this Saturday evening, Karl and I had a long talk about foreign policy. That did it -- I'm on Team Wirsing. Finally, a candidate has awoken me from my slumber of political apathy! Unfortunately I have no real skills to contribute. If you need someone to stand in the midst of a crowd at a rally and yell, "Yeah!" every few minutes while pumping her fist in the air, I can do that, maybe. As long as the crowd isn't too scary.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Karl Will Pump You Up

I have put this off for long enough. For two days, I have wanted to post my comments, to announce my place in Team "It Could Be Wirsing," and to reflect on what on honor it is to be involved in such an exalted campaign, but I have been afraid. I was afraid that my words would fail, that they could never do justice to the importance of this man and this movement. But my fear, my hesitance, is not important. It's a personal matter. I'll get to it when I have time. What is important is how this relates to America, and its fear and its hesitance.

For years, The United States has wanted an honest president to take charge, to tell it what's wrong and what needs to be done, to stand next to it in the mirror and point out the dorrito crumbs in the corner of its mouth and the cheetoh stains smeared across its baggy sweatshirt. It wants someone to pinch at its lovehandles while making pig noises, screaming "soo-ee," asking, "who will desire you now?" and basically taunting it until it admits that it could use a good work out. Then, it wants someone to be there and to make sure the work gets done. To push it on the floor and hold its feet while it does a hundred sit-ups. To stand on its back and shout "come on, you sissy Mary" until it produces that fiftieth push-up. But the country has been afraid of the pain and the work and has decided to deny that it is not the young, fit beauty it once was. This can not go on. America is flabby and if it doesn't act we'll never be the head-turning, ass-getting, wise-cracking country in the smoke-filled bar of the world again.

Karl is the man to get America into shape. As his director of physical fitness, I know he has the forearms to do it. He can arm curl a buffalo, bench press the world, and squat 250 pounds, which isn't great but we're working on it.

My name is Tony and I'm a proud supporter of the "It could be Wirsing" campaign.

New face in the Wirld

It is my great pleasure to introduce our new Senior Campaign Publicist, Caroline Kraft, a gifted communicator and champagne connoisseur. An injection of bubbly, frankly, is what any fledgling movement needs.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Why must I be absurdly overqualified for everything I do?

This post will serve a dual purpose. The first and more essential being the announcement of my official title in the Wirsing '32 campaign: Director of Lessons Learned. It is an honor and a privilege to hold such an illustrious position in such a noble endeavor.

The second purpose, while not as essential, is arguably more essential. To prove that Wirsing '32 is not, in fact, the beer-fueled concoction of a group of wage-earning and/or unemployed grad students and is, in fact, a legitimate presidential campaign, I feel compelled to outline my sterling and unassailable qualifications for the job.

First of all, I am not nor have I ever been chair of the Texas State Lottery Commission. Second, poised as I am at the threshold of the shining fortress that is the field of Information Science, Lessons Learned are, basically, my shit. The general aim of information access, at least as far as why I feel compelled to amass silly amounts of student loan debt in order to break into the profession, is to make sense of the ridiculous barrage of facts and opinions and images generated every day. Every second. And it's further the truth that making sense of this information-- finding patterns, if you will-- will hopefully allow individuals to make better choices and to-- yes-- learn lessons. From their fuck-ups and the fuck-ups of others.

Also, my favorite episode of Arrested Development is the one where George Sr., who for years used a one-armed friend to teach his children various life lessons*, uses the same man to teach his children a lesson about why you should never teach your children lessons. All lessons were learned.

*Children forget to leave note indicating that the milk carton is nearly empty. George Sr. is enraged. Loads kids in the car for a mad dash to the supermarket. On the way, hits a pedestrian whose arm is severed by the impact, and who after the children are thoroughly horrified reveals himself to be the one-armed friend wearing a prosthesis. "That's why you ALWAYS LEAVE A NOTE."

Friday, July 14, 2006

The people (person, really) have spoken

Wow, Kelly, that is so exciting that you were able to divine our campaign's purpose so succintly in your comment! I'm honestly thrilled! "Get a grip" - beautiful, that's just what we're trying to do: get a grip on the future, grab this presidential bull by the horns and ride it through the next two and a half decades. I now feel confident that we're getting a clear and unequivocal voice across. Transparency, if nothing else, is our goal. Team Wirsing: 1. Ambiguity: 0.

In other news, Awesome Peterson, great to have you on board!

Asking not what Karl can do for me, but what I can do for Karl

Awesome Peterson, reporting for duty.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Trail Talk

Thanks Mike. Just got back from some rigorous campaigning on the courts of Brookline, and I think I picked up a few more votes - at least three "for sures" and one "if no one else runs." Two massive blisters and an aching back is an itsy price to pay for more constituents. Just think: If I collect that kind of backing every two hours for the next 26 years, I should be staggeringly popular by the time my name reaches a ballot. Or at least vastly improved at basketball.

The real victory for Team Wirsing, however, occured on my way home when I passed a youth baseball team filing into 7-11 for post-game slurpees. Their captain, a swarthy fast-baller heading into fifth grade, gave me his teammates' unqualified support. He reached out a lanky hand and high-fived me; I reckon he'll grow into my electoral base quite perfectly. So, in case you're counting, that's another 15 voters who will easily achieve legal voting age by 2032 (If I could lobby fetuses, coo sweet presidential nothings to them in utero, believe me I would. We all have a voice in this world, I say, no matter what anyone says about the imprudence of youth).

In case you'd like to join Team Wirsing, we welcome everyone's input and support! Please contribute your ideas and suggestions and questions about anything to do with our mission or this site. All official Team Members will receive a handsome "It could be Wirsing" button and t-shirt (both in early stages of production, pending donation volume; contributors may inquire about where to send money).

We aren't the tide of the future. We're the moon.

It Could Be Wirsing Updates

Hello supporters, just wanted to drop in with a campaign update. Last Tuesday we had a great fundraiser at the Tam in Boston, and managed to shore up another few dollars to fund our mission. With the continued dedication of our many supporters, we should be up, running, and street legal in the next few decades.

Today Karl has an important caucus on the basketball courts, and will be continuing his grassroots outreach on through the weekend and the summer. Look for Karl at an atheletic venue or recreational facility near you.

Thanks for all your help.

Never Forget: It Could Be Wirsing.

Mike, Campaign Manager

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

What's past is prologue


This is me looking back, making sure I didn't miss anything.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Change is a-brewing


This is me looking far into the future. Far, far into the future.