Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Register To Vote

TODAY is the LAST DAY to register to vote [for Deval Patrick] in the Mass Democratic Primary on SEPTEMBER 19TH. Offices are open until 8 pm for any working folks.

I would tell you all about how to get this done, but they already did it better at Blue Mass Group. Follow the link for answers to all your voter registration questions.

You know, you know, you know. Go, go, go.

Championship Cheeks

Plans for the first annual "It Could be Wirsing" Mr. Tight Buns contest are now underway, with tentative dates scheduled for the middle of September. We are still searching for ideal locations, but the response to our call for asses has already been overwhelming. So far, contestants include Al Roker, Mike Moats, Shaq, Albert Pujols, Ernest (of "Scared Stupid" and "Goes to Camp" fame), Tony Schaffer, Conan (the Barbarian, not the Destroyer), and, very tentatively pending progress in the courts, John Karr. His interest/fetish with tight buns is questionable, and I'm worried he misinterpreted our contest. In any event, quite a line-up. Tickets will be $10 for adults, $5 for kids. All proceeds will benefit the campaign.

Interested participants should contact us at wirsingforpresdient2032@gmail.com, or by posting to this site.

Squeeze away, gentlemen. It's time to flex those buns to perfection.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Can Karl Come and Play?

For over a month, we have shared the ideas of the "It Could Be Wirsing" campaign and told the tales of the leader called Karl. Word has spread; the buzz is defeaning. And it is my belief that we can no longer deprive the wirld of the immediate, palpable presence of Karl. He not only needs to be heard, he needs to be seen and smelt and felt up by soccer moms and pageant queens and scoutmasters.

As Director of Physical Fitness, I know that Karl is ready to greet the uniwirse. Have you seen his arms? He's been working on them all the time. They look like a python that just swallowed a bear. You could do your laundry on this man's stomach. The muscles from his thighs could feed an African country for a month if they could ever chew through the meat, which I doubt. His pectorals can do the macarena. Trust me, he's not only ready to meet the wirld. He's ready to hoist the wirld over his head and steal its girlfriend.

I mean, for Karl's sake, you can bounce a quarter ten stories off Karl's ass, which is why I believe the perfect setting for his inaugural appearance should be as a judge in a Mr. Tight Buns competition. He would be placed in a seat of authority and able to reveal his key decision making and judgment skills, his ability to relate to everyday joes and janes, and his appreciation for people who work hard, who do not take short cuts (like performance enhancing drugs), in their drives to fulfill the American Dream. Colleagues, look at this photograph. This is the American Dream. And Karl, as a Mr. Tight Buns judge, will be able to help one lucky person achieve it.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Staff Update and Call for Officers

As per Brian's request, I've tried to identify everyone's title. Oddly, Brian himself, as far as I know, has lacked an official role. So I've given him a lovely one below.

Me, Candidate
Mike Moats, Campaign Manager
Tony Schaffer, Director of Physical Fitness
Ashley Peterson, Director of Lessons Learned
Brian Hurley, Senior Marketing Director and Campaign Strategist
Kate Lopaze, Vice-Presidential Committee Chairman
Shannon Derby, Director of Doing It
Meredith Devney, Director of Outdoor Life
Aaron Wirsing, Director of Conservation and Environmental Affairs
Jonno Forman, Legal Consultant
Caroline Kraft, Senior Campaign Publicist
Matt Kaberline, Activities Coordinator
Katie Hunt ...
Vanessa Carlisle, Director of Media Training
Camron Terwilliger ...
Hal Stallworth, Foreign Policy Advisor
Eve Kager, Economic Advisor
Alex Charlow, Online Strategist
John Heider, Director of post-Soviet Outreach
Robert Repino ...
Allison Trzop ...
David Sloan...
Robert Doty ...

Please help fill in these holes and others. I've granted too many late-night cabinet offices and am having difficulty recalling them all. I once dubbed someone Secretary of the Morbidly Obese, and there must be more out there.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Branding Ideas

"Qarl and Shak" just didn't sound right.

*Of president of the United States, of course.

This one only works as long as we're not facing a challenger with a name like Worstershire. We can't afford to be be beaten at our own game.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

The Shannon Doctrine

After doing a lot of thinking last night and this morning, among other things, I have decided to graciously accept the title of Director of Doing It offered to me at last night's barbecue. Doing what, you might ask. Doing it, I'll reply with a sly laugh, adding that it can be whatever you want it to be or whatever it is that needs to get done. Whatever it is, I'll be directing it to the best of my capability.

This leads us, of course, to The Shannon Doctrine. I find that the words I'm about to share with you are very, very important words to live by and, I think, really embody the take-action attitude of the Wirsing campaign. The Shannon Doctrine is simple: sex first, personality/thinking/whatever later. When entering a relationship, many worry about whether or not the other person is into them, many start second-guessing themselves before the relationship has ever begun, many just think way too damn much. If you follow the Shannon Doctrine, then you will know right away whether it is going to work or not because, let's be honest here, if the sex is bad or lacking, chances are the relationship will be too. It's really a win/win situation here - if the sex was bad and the relationship ends, well, hey, at least you got laid. If the sex is good, you have at least one more month before the person gets on your nerves. Or, if you're lucky, it could be the beginning of something really beautiful. At any rate, and I repeat myself here, hey, at least you got laid.

What does this have to do with politics? Oh come on people, sex has everything to do with politics! We need to help Karl to politically, emotionally and intellectually seduce the American people so that when election day comes around, they go to the polls and "go all the way" by voting for him. I mean come on, who really stops at third base these days?

So, members of the Wirsing campaign, I implore you to go out tonight and drink and be merry at Andy's going away/birthday party and, of course, follow The Shannon Doctrine. Just remember to use protection.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

The Coming Election Cycles

Okay nothing clever here, simply a reminder to all the members and readers here at our Grand Experiement that the election season nears, and for everyone to do their best to vote, either here in Massachusetts, or absentee in their home state.

For information on voter registration here in the Commonwealth, go here. If anyone needs a voter registration form, or an absentee ballot form for the state of Massachusetts, I can pick them up at the campaign office. To register for the September 19th Democratic Primary - which I urge you to do - you must have all papers in no fewer than 20 days ahead of election day, SEPTEMBER 19TH. That date again is SEPTEMBER 19TH. 33 days from today, SEPTEMBER the 19TH.

SEPTEMBER 19TH, 2006. Democratic Primary.

If anyone has questions about the Democratic candidates you can check out the Globe's Campaign Page. Don't hesitate to familiarize yourself with the Lieutenant Governor race as well.

For nationwide races, the New York Times has a helpful guide.

General elections will be held on November 7th.

Vote. It's the only way.

Mike Moats
Campaign Manager

Reality Check


I shook with excitement all day yesterday after Kate's revelation that Shaq should be our Vice President. She was really on to something. But then late last evening on my porch, I realized that the real test of Shaq's worthiness is how well he can play croquet, which I anticipate will be the official sport of diplomatic negotiations in the future. So tactical, dignified and composed, and yet still plenty aggressive and competitive, croquet is the perfect game of government, all while you can enjoy a cold beer, a sunset and some good tunes. Indeed, comfort with a mallet, deadly accuracy around little white hoops, perfect aim with the long ball: these will be the hallmarks of great leadership in the coming years.

And I have to admit, I'm pretty darn good at croquet. It's one of the Wirsing family's proudest and most hotly-contested traditions. We face-off dozens of times at weekend get-togethers, and only my dad's crippling tendency to ignore the "poison" shows a chink in our collective armor. "Nothing ventured, nothing gained," he says stubbornly as he knocks his ball within an easy few inches of the poison ball, setting up everyone else's downfall as well. At least he has guts. My oldest brother Aaron (admiring my form in the photo above) also holds nothing back on the course. His use of the flatulent "12th defender" has been unfavorably compared to a weapon of mass destruction. Even the ozone layer fears him.

So Shaq, with all your majesty on the basketball court, will you transition fluidly to a grassy plain for a world-changing game of croquet?

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Holding Out for a Hero

It appears that in the heady glamour of the early stages of this presidential race, we’ve forgotten one key element: the running mate. Some might say that such a decision could wait, oh, twenty years or so to see which vaguely good looking senator could carry a random swing state—but the time to plan is clearly now. After all, Washington had his Adams…Bush has his Cheney…Polk had his That Guy. Your administration is only as strong as the shadowy dude who’d stand over your dead body and take control of the country.

The Wirsing campaign can do better than that. We need more than a mere VP candidate, and I believe we can deliver not just a fantastic Rhoda to Karl’s Mary Tyler Moore, but also a manly, platonic love story for the ages. Political scientists will marvel at the perfect interplay of brains and brawn, fame and humility, when we announce our choice: “Shaquiiiiiiiiiille O’Neeeeeeeeeeeeal!”

Shaq will bring many of the things that some might argue we don’t quite have yet: that engaging O'Neal smile, the votes of everyone who’s not Kobe Bryant, and scads of cash. If the punditocracy is to be believed, the tallest guy in the debate usually wins. And unless the Republicans run Yao Ming as their VP-to-be, nobody’s gonna out-tall Shaquille O’Neal in that auditorium.

In Shaq, we’ll have the popularity of Michael Jordan, but with fewer gambling debts; and the ambition of Charles Barkley, minus most of the, uh, personality issues. Karl and Shaq. Shaq and Karl. Shaq is America, people.

Branching

Our campaign is now an official "group" at http://groups.myspace.com/itcouldbewirsing. It's open membership, so add/humiliate/delete/ignore as you choose.

Love,

Karl

Vote Wirsing - It just might be krazy enough to work!

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Happy hunting

Thanks to Brian's shrewd zoo outreach program, we've pretty well locked in the prairie dog vote. This is good news, of course, because these tunnel-digging wonders number in the millions nationwide. And wild and domesticated animals, so long as they spend at least 51% of the year on American soil (or air space, for migratory birds), will be allowed to vote by 2032. In the coming few years, you can expect numerous congressional arguments to focus on whether non-human species, since they share this same earth, shouldn't have an equal say in its management. Wild animals will be an easier sell as they live independently and generally try to eat as few people as possible. Domesticated species, however, will add a compelling dynamic to the electorate.

Take cows, for instance. Many agronomists predict that cattle, though they seem prone to a herd mentality, will actually prove a rebellious lot if politically empowered. Your average cow, be it range-fed or stock-raised, will no doubt favor further opening the foreign beef market, very much angering their rancher owners who insist that American beef should be all that Americans grill. Every Argentine cow shipped into this country, after all, is an American cow possibly not eaten. Inflexible, single-issue politics will dominate, for you'd better believe that cows will not agree, flat-hoofed, to having themselves slaughtered and sliced into steaks and hamburgers. What we could be facing is rank mutiny on vast ranches across the world. Better that we should strategize now to prevent this sort of anarchy. So livestock, I'm speaking to you now: join Team Wirsing, and we promise to be less dependent on you for protein and deliciousness.

This meaty sacrifice, of course, could anger another developing constituent - plants. Our campaign experts estimate that our leafy, oxygen-generating neighbors ought to join the electorate by 2040, a mere eight years behind. Their claim, long made but seldom heeded, will be that they produce what we breathe. When we nearly run out of air in 2034, gleeful giggles and taunts from garden produce will compel us to re-think our values. Damn those loud-mouthed, mocking tomatoes. Damn them!

Imagine these uncountable billions of as yet unswayed voters. Now imagine them all in our camp. Beat Wirsing? Beware our thunderous stampede of support, is more like it. You might caution us that we shouldn't count our chickens before they hatch. To that I say, "But hah, in the Wirld of tomorrow, those chickens will be counted, as will their votes!" At this point you should be speechless.

This weekend, Team Wirsing is taking a campaign trip deep into the mountain wilderness of Vermont to woo the flora and fauna of this fine New England state. All we have is a (borrowed) tent and a (stolen) cooler, but we expect to come back with an entire forest of support ... for the first time, literally.

Here's to hoping that Katie's toast doesn't prove too prophetic just yet.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Notes from Underground



















These prairie dogs at the San Francisco Zoo wanted to know if Team Wirsing is doing anything for the voters who live below ground.

I promised I would confer with Team Wirsing and get back to them.

http://prairiedogcoalition.org/articles/high-plains-stewards.shtml

A Report on Karl's Ankle

As the Director of Physical Fitness, I feel it is my duty to update Team Wirsing on the condition of our future President's ankle. As most of you probably know, Karl injured his ankle last Sunday while playing soccer, saving orphans from a burning building, competing in five games of chess, reading War and Peace in the original Russian, negotiating pay raises for public school educators, and posing for the cover of a Harlequin romance novel. As you can imagine, the stress on Mr. Wirsing's ankle was significant and the injury was painful.

At the moment, he cannot move backwards or laterrally without severe discomfort but can walk and run forward with little difficulty.

So, in conclusion, the ankle injury has had little affect on Karl's campaigning and everyday life since, as we know, he never moves backwards or side to side but only forward into the improved Wirld of tomorrow.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Karl as muse

Ok, my candidate has spoken, so I'm opening my clam (plus I had to wait until I could recall my username, so I could then deduce my password, so I could then log in once again. I might be too intellectually feeble for team Wirsing, considering that it took me a month to accomplish these three simple tasks). I offer this as an anthem for the Wirsing campaign, in which Karl vanquishes man's great scourge, the grizzly bear. Well, the vanquishing part isn't actually in the poem. But it happens afterwards. I can revise if it'll get me Poet Laureate.


A Toast

Karl says grizzly would be the way to go:
“A return to nature. And who knows, maybe
I could beat it.” I picture him at eighty,
wizened in his fringed leather coat,
somewhere in Montana. Patting a cow
or chopping wood. Then the bear hulks in,
approaching with stealth – “Oh Karl,”
I say, “that’s a mistake.” Who wants to die
enveloped in bear breath, gnawed open,
natural or not? Lamplight ghosts glint
from Karl’s glasses. He refills my cup,
then his, with wine. We clink rims.
To health
to drink
to friends.

Wish List

Dear Team Wirsing and beyond,

Hoping to see exactly what we care about the most, I'd like us to make a Presidential Wish List - a letter to Santa, if you will, about what we'd like to see change in our national policies. And let's assume, first, that World Peace and an End to Hunger are taken.

Here, I'll go first. I already explained part of this to Awesome Peterson and Mike the other night.

I want all kids, beginning in kindergarten, to start learning a second language, and then to keep learning that language throughout their education so that they are truly bilingual when they graduate into this world. An introduction to Global Cultures, too, is an important component of this language education. Future generations of Americans ought to have a deeper appreciation of countries and cultures and peoples far outside of our own boundaries.

What do you want to see in the White House (besides me)?

Friday, August 04, 2006

Swing Swang Swung

I was reading this cool blog, E-PUBLIUS UNUM, that said "the failing strategy of the last two decades" of progressive politics has been "the attempt to swing voters without understanding that swing voters aren't asking to be appeased, they are asking to be swung." I thought that was smart.

So how does Team Wirsing swing voters? Well, normally we would choose a wedge issue that differentiates us from the opponents. But since A) we're still using our Ouija boards to figure out the wedge issues of Election 2032, and B) we don't know if we'll be up against Holly Togel or some other, unknown foe, it's difficult to choose a wedge issue that will definitely swing the voters toward Karl Wirsing.

Fortunately, this campaign has already come up with an issue that no self-respecting American can side against. Karl Wirsing isn't for America. Karl Wirsing is America. That is a powerful statement. And, as our foreign policy illustrates, nobody is going to stand up to America.

So I propose we turn Karl into America. That's right. We split him up into districts. When people ask if Karl approves of the way President Bush is handling the crisis in Lebanon, we say, "Hold on. Karl Wirsing is America. You can't separate the man from the nation. Forty-three percent of Karl approves, and forty-six percent of Karl disapproves. Only a traitor or a lunatic would disagree with the American people." And then Karl's opponents will seem like extremists.

Another idea is to leave a piece of Karl in every polling district in the country. A small town in Iowa has a fingernail clipping. A backwater swamp in Alabama has a lock of Karl's hair. This is how they used to treat Christian saints. It's like a wedge issue, because no self-respecting American will vote against a saint whose surgically removed corns are sitting in a box at the local City Hall. We can charge a young person in every district to be the guardian of Karl's relics, and when Election 2032 comes around we'll unite the American people by putting Karl back together again. Oh, did I mention that Karl has to die in order for this to work? Well, it's something to consider.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

The Myth of Karl (the origin of the moon)


With the recent talk of media training and Karl's weather changing platform, I was reminded of an anecdote I had once heard about Karl.

It happened a long time ago, in the early ages before men had the gods' confidences. Karl had just finished a jaunt with one of Poseidon's daughters--not the young red-head every one knows about but one of the dark haired middle sisters with a subpar self esteem who needed a little affection since Daddy never really showed that he cared--and he came to the surface and rode a giant wave inland. On his way he saw the lands scorched and burning. You see, while Karl was away the sun had no idea what it was actually supposed to do and so it stayed in the sky day and night, first drying out the grasses and then casting them in flame.

A collective wail came from all the people, stinging Karl's ears and almost causing him to weep (if that were possible outside of a viewing of Cool Runnings). At once, he promised to cure the land and sent the sun to rest in the Pacific. Then he blotted out the sky and brought the rain and quenched the fires and a great rejoicing came from the land, but Karl was not satisfied. He had to make sure that this never happened again, that the sun was never allowed to remain more than a day in the sky.

Do you know what he did? He dove back into the ocean and told his ex to gather every white rock she could find, promising that he would lay with her for a night if she gathered enough. She swam as fast as she could and got every bleached rock and piece of coral and brought it to Karl. He formed them into a great ball with his spit and sweat and tears and (cough) man juice and the collective brain power of the wise men and women he knew and the soul of freedom and America and a few left over cans of Natural Light. Then he set into the sky so that each night it would chase away the sun and cool the earth and control the tides and manifest positive change, especially in public schools, and serve as a beacon to all those beneath it, telling them that Karl will continue to look out for their best interests.

When his work was done, he was pleased and he laughed and screamed, "Hootie Rocks," which still baffles some theologians, and jumped into the ocean to keep his promise to that insecure mermaid.

I know what you are thinking: This is ridiculous. How can you possibly have sex with a mermaid? To that I say, don't bother with the details. I'm sure Karl found a way.

Speaking of media training

My fellow Americans, it occurred to me that I may or may not have trash-talked to a couple of 10-year-olds, both of whom neither know me nor that I'm running against them. That's pretty low-brow, no? So, borrowing from Countessa Vanessa's media-savvy advice (don't we all make such a dandy team?), I apologize for even the slightest hint of a negative campaign. I'm a quick learner. And Mike is, as always, correct, except he oughta tighten my leash. We are indeed a campaign of ideas. Progressive ideas. Fair ideas. Tolerant ideas. Climate-changing ideas. A vote for me is a vote for cloud-bursting change; for cool breezes when all we feel is suffocating heat; for UV rays that bronze the skin without damaging it; for fake-and-bake that doesn't leave people looking like leatherback turtles; for snow you can ball up in your bare hands without the faintest shiver; for deserts with 50 inches of annual rainfall; for pole-dancing without back injury; for Corona and a lovely lime wedge when all you have on tap is bathwater-warm Natty Light, because that's plain disgusting.

At the same time, the sooner that Holly and Noah learn that ours is a Karl-eat-not Karl wirld, the better.

Remember: We aren't the tide of the future. We're the moon.

It could be me

Talking Points: Weather

Just wanted to jump in and welcome all the new team members. Good to have everyone along.

This week is a good lesson for everyone in understanding how other news issues, such as a crippling heat wave, can distract from current and/or future political campaigns. We should not, however, be discouraged by this, and in the marketing-speak spirit of viewing "opportunity" at every downturn, I suggest the following:

"These climate developments are further evidence of the need for change from the top down. Karl Wirsing is eager to lead, to lead the country, and to lead the natural wirld.

"By the year 2032, if we haven't figured out how to harness at least some of God's power over the sky, we are due to suffer from more inconvenient and dangerous weather, driving up energy consumption and sweat rash. Karl Wirsing believes in weather of, for, and by the people, and is the only candidate in this race that has taken a stand on changing - for the better - Earth's climate."

You are the message. Make it so.

It Could Be Wirsing

Mike, Campaign Manager

Media Training

Karl, I made it into the fold. Yes!
I've been reading a PhD dissertation about what influences vote choice and I'd like to share my newfound expertise with you. Here is my advice.

1) get a pretty wife
2) tell some jokes when you are on TV and smile a lot
3) tell everyone that the biggest issue of today really is X (environment, budget, whatever) and that you are the only one with the qualifications to effectively deal with X in a manner that will benefit all Americans.

Be sure to use the phrase "Americans" instead of "America," it is more personal and people know you are talking about THEM, not just their government or their land.

More advanced techniques to come.