Thursday, August 17, 2006

Reality Check

I shook with excitement all day yesterday after Kate's revelation that Shaq should be our Vice President. She was really on to something. But then late last evening on my porch, I realized that the real test of Shaq's worthiness is how well he can play croquet, which I anticipate will be the official sport of diplomatic negotiations in the future. So tactical, dignified and composed, and yet still plenty aggressive and competitive, croquet is the perfect game of government, all while you can enjoy a cold beer, a sunset and some good tunes. Indeed, comfort with a mallet, deadly accuracy around little white hoops, perfect aim with the long ball: these will be the hallmarks of great leadership in the coming years.

And I have to admit, I'm pretty darn good at croquet. It's one of the Wirsing family's proudest and most hotly-contested traditions. We face-off dozens of times at weekend get-togethers, and only my dad's crippling tendency to ignore the "poison" shows a chink in our collective armor. "Nothing ventured, nothing gained," he says stubbornly as he knocks his ball within an easy few inches of the poison ball, setting up everyone else's downfall as well. At least he has guts. My oldest brother Aaron (admiring my form in the photo above) also holds nothing back on the course. His use of the flatulent "12th defender" has been unfavorably compared to a weapon of mass destruction. Even the ozone layer fears him.

So Shaq, with all your majesty on the basketball court, will you transition fluidly to a grassy plain for a world-changing game of croquet?

1 comment:

Eve said...

While I share your enthusiasm for croquet and admire your stellar croquet form, I must admit, I have concerns about this sport being 'the sport of diplomatic relations'.

What about the countries lacking the flat terrian upon which to play and practice croquet? Or those who lack the raw materials to make the mallets and gates that are crucial to the game of croquet?

Moreover, croquet's history as a sport of peasants and women could have consequences to those who dislike peasants and women ( i mean really, who likes them?)

In its place I would suggest bocce ball. It can be played on any terrain, requires less raw materials, and of course, one can always make the "blue ball" joke. Of course, I'm also a slammin' bocce player, so that helps too.