Friday, August 04, 2006

Swing Swang Swung

I was reading this cool blog, E-PUBLIUS UNUM, that said "the failing strategy of the last two decades" of progressive politics has been "the attempt to swing voters without understanding that swing voters aren't asking to be appeased, they are asking to be swung." I thought that was smart.

So how does Team Wirsing swing voters? Well, normally we would choose a wedge issue that differentiates us from the opponents. But since A) we're still using our Ouija boards to figure out the wedge issues of Election 2032, and B) we don't know if we'll be up against Holly Togel or some other, unknown foe, it's difficult to choose a wedge issue that will definitely swing the voters toward Karl Wirsing.

Fortunately, this campaign has already come up with an issue that no self-respecting American can side against. Karl Wirsing isn't for America. Karl Wirsing is America. That is a powerful statement. And, as our foreign policy illustrates, nobody is going to stand up to America.

So I propose we turn Karl into America. That's right. We split him up into districts. When people ask if Karl approves of the way President Bush is handling the crisis in Lebanon, we say, "Hold on. Karl Wirsing is America. You can't separate the man from the nation. Forty-three percent of Karl approves, and forty-six percent of Karl disapproves. Only a traitor or a lunatic would disagree with the American people." And then Karl's opponents will seem like extremists.

Another idea is to leave a piece of Karl in every polling district in the country. A small town in Iowa has a fingernail clipping. A backwater swamp in Alabama has a lock of Karl's hair. This is how they used to treat Christian saints. It's like a wedge issue, because no self-respecting American will vote against a saint whose surgically removed corns are sitting in a box at the local City Hall. We can charge a young person in every district to be the guardian of Karl's relics, and when Election 2032 comes around we'll unite the American people by putting Karl back together again. Oh, did I mention that Karl has to die in order for this to work? Well, it's something to consider.


Tony said...

I'm confused, does this mean Karl has to start referring to his penis as Florida?

Brian Joseph Hurley said...

I heard it's more like Cape Cod.

Karl said...

It takes more than an hour to drive the whole length of Cape Cod, so yeah, let's go with that.

Countessa Vanessa said...

I don't know--"Take an hour, drive almost the scenic length of Karl's Penis"--what constituency are we targeting here? Young, but of legal age, women in need of a road trip? Retirees whose inhibitions have been destroyed by old age?

Rich people who collect fine art?